Derailed

So you may have noticed that I haven't written anything for a while and it is with good reason. After starting this journey and starting to make progress, my journey has been derailed and a new car has been added to my train. Grief. On Friday, February 13, 2009, my brother passed away. I was at home getting ready for the church valentines social when my dad called. He told me the ambulance was at the house. My parents had found my brother unconcious and without a pulse. Matt (my husband) came home and we raced to drop off the kids with a relative and meet my parents at the hospital. After a half and hour my mom called back and said they had just left for the hospital. The paramedics had been working on my brother for 30 minutes and he still had no pulse. When we arrived at the hospital we were shown a room to be with our family. I don't know how long we were in the room, it felt like 5 minutes but I'm sure it was more like 30. A doctor appeared and told us that my brother had passed. He was pretty sure he was already gone when my parents had found him. At that time I heard the crashing in my head. The sound of my life spinning out of control, like a train that had been derailed. For the next week pieces of what caused his death came together. My brother had an irregular heart beat. He had just found out that medicare was finally going to pay for the procedure to fix it on February 20. He was upbeat and optimistic. My mom had talked to him at 4:00 that day and he was teasing with her and asking about my kids coming over that night. At 5:30 he was gone, phone beside him, papers in hand- fatal cardio myopathy. Funeral arrangements, flying family in and taking care of my parents consumed me. Thank goodness for Matt keeping up on the housework and keeping me together. Now this week, no more planning, parents are working and family is gone. I am left alone to grieve and try to go back to life as "normal". I'm not sure how to do that and I lack the desire to. Lists have been my friend. They keep me focused on the task at hand, at the top of every day- Get through today. So now I'm off to try and read my Bible and do dishes and try to catch up on some reading... and maybe come up with the next step to getting back on the tracks of my life and being more disciplined.